Monday, March 10, 2008

Mystery Character (Revision)

I thought it would be more interesting if I wrote the character as if I was the person.

202 Words

I am probably way too intelligent for you to guess who I am. Since you are college students you were probably up late smoking pot and eating Top Ramen. While if you think you have a shot let me describe my glorious self in great detail.

I live in the East Coast of the United States, with a dreadful family. The only one in my family who has any compatible intelligence to mine is the family pet. I especially loath my mother, and one day she will pay for making me eat broccoli.

I consider myself to be an attractive young lad. I have an elliptical-shaped head, and I have extremely dreamy big eyes. So go eat your heart out Bette Davis! I am of humble stature, but what I lack in legs I make up in my extreme intelligence. I can sing too, I even had my own show on the road, until it got canceled due to my talent-less stage partner.

My most awkward moment was when my father tried to breast feed me. Oh well that is a different story, and you don’t have all day to read this. Good day to you all! Who am I?



3 comments:

Nicole said...

You know what's sad? I just glanced at your post and the first thing that my eyes landed on was, "when my father tried to breast feed me" and I instantly knew it was Stewie from Family Guy.

camccune said...

Well, I'm glad Nicole figured it out because you had me puzzled. But I don't usually watch The Family Guy, so that explains it.

Your first-person approach works well here, but you have some errors to fix:

East Coast (AP style)
elliptical-shaped
canceled (not cancelled)
talent-less stage partner

13/15

camccune said...

While if you think you have a shot....

Pick one -- either "while" or "if." This sentence doesn't make sense with both.

14/15 for the rewrite.