There was an extremely pleasantly plump girl on her way to one of her classes. The manner in which she presented herself seemed a bit awkward. She had electrified Shirley Temple curls, very brittle and wooly hair. So curly if you were to pull it, it would snap right back likes a pig's curly tail. The color of her hair resembled slightly burnt French fries. All of this was wrapped up into a messy half way bun.
The girl was listening to her earphones, acting as if she was in her own world. Her body posture was extremely hunched over, to the point that she almost looked like Quasimodo.
Her shoulders looked like she was wearing football gear twenty four seven. The way she kept her curvy hands to her side, and slouched made a very unflattering S shape posture.
Her face was motionless, only a blink of the eyes every now and then. Her mouth was stapled shut, but her eyes mouthed to the rhythm of the music. Two big round listening devices plastered on her ears, with the volume barely up two notches, was she even listing to music? I looked at her Sony ear phones, and imaged she received them as a Christmas gift, back in 1995.
Number 3 dimly light up as everyone exited the elevator, and on to another day of class. She strolled outside the sliver doors, and took very petit steps toward her destination. Her upper body trembling with every step, as she treaded faster to not be late for class. This girl was no lollygagger she was there to get to class and do her work.
When I was walking with my friend to her class I noticed an extremely beefy girl happened to be one of her classmates. Of course that is not what surprised me about this individual, it was the manner in which she presented herself. She had electrified Shirley Temple curls, very brittle and wooly hair. So curly if you were to pull it, it would snap right back likes a pig's curly tail. The color of her hair resembled slightly burnt French fries. All of this was wrapped up very un neatly into a messy half way bun.
As my friend and I were on the elevator, the girl was listening to her air phones, in her own world. Her body posture indicated that she felt unconfident, and stopped caring a long time ago. Her shoulders looked like she was wearing football gear twenty four seven. The way she kept her curvy hands to her side, and slouched made a very unflattering S shape posture.
Her face was motionless, only a blink of the eyes every now and then. Her mouth was stapled shut, but her eyes mouthed to the rhythm of the music. Two big round listening devices plastered on her ears, with the volume barely up two notches, was she even listing to music? I looked at her Sony air phones,and imaged she received them as a Christmas gift, back in 1995.
Number 3 dimly light up as everyone exited the elevator, and on to another day of class. She strolled outside the sliver doors, and took very petit steps toward her destination. Her upper body trembling with every step, as she treaded faster to not be late for class. This girl was no lollygagger she was there to get to class and do her work.
3 comments:
This would work better if you kept yourself out of it.
Instead of telling me that "her body posture indicated that she felt unconfident, and stopped caring a long time ago," show me her posture and let me figure that out. If you do a good job of describing her stance, I will.
How do eyes "mouth"? That doesn't work for me.
You mean Sony earphones?
The other thing that bothers me about this is that is comes across, probably unintentionally, as a bit mean-spirited.
See if you can rework this piece to keep the interesting and "telling" details without being too negative.
B-
A+
Hilarious! And it's supposed to sound "mean-spirited"
HaHa!!!
And eyes can completely "mouth." I get what you're saying definitely.
Revised grade: 9/10
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